I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
