It's Friday. Sex?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Are we still banned from the library?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
