does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
