My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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