I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The power of my boobs compel you
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
