I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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