it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
