If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
