Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
