The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize