Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
