Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
