he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Randomize
