Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
