Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
