In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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