How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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