If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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