Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
