dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
