I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
