he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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