I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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