Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
