i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
