First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
