I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
