she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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