I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
