i don't like sucking hair
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
