they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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