The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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