Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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