you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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