I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
