i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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