I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
my liver is dry heaving
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
