drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
