If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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