Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
