I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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