these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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