I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
