They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
