Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
