My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
