A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
