I could have mohawked her pubes.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
