There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
