This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
