I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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