I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
