oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
