good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
