Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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