Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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