Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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