There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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