I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
