She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize