I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
