Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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