Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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