I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
