I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
