in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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