Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
