I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
