I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
