It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
