Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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