Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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